PANIC ATTACKS

PANIC ATTACKS

PANIC ATTACKS

My pillow is WET.
My pillow is wet from all the pain I have wept.
Pain, my enemy, is my unwanted friend.
Sorrow is all my fragile heart and state knows.
I cry and weep and wail and regurgitate all the events of my day.
Never involved but always the outcast.
My looks?
My attire?
My sound or my scent?
My demure?
My fire?
Or is it something more? (Dire?)

My heart is heavy
My heart is burdened
I have no reason
To be feeling so sunken
My breathing’s fast
Paced with anxiety
My chest is caving
I believe I can see heaven
My palms are sweaty
My temperature’s high
My head is spinning
With thoughts of why
My hearing blurred and my stomach is queezey
Heaven please take me and save me from this

I did what I thought I should have done
I said what I felt I should have said
I’m thinking that I should have kept my mouth shut
It’ll spread like wild fire
But am I too strong to care?
Will I break out and break free
Of this fear that follows me

The whispers and murmurs
And all that is there
Might torment me
But I hope He sees me
Shelters me from the stares and glares
From the he said, she said and all that will follow
Shattered confidence and broken walls
With lack of love to glue it all
If my tears run deep
And my soul is weak
Will you pick me up and rock me to Sleep?

Sleep.

I’ve purged my soul out with tears
Until no water falls my dear
I’ve gazed through mirrors unaware
That the girl who breaks before me is unidentified
Who are you girl, when panic attacks?
Who are you, when isolation appears?
Could you recall all that’s great about you?
Or are you still a puzzle piece waiting to be placed?
Is this life yours or that of pain?
Can you hold on when life clings cheap?
Can you reach out for one breath to bring?
Will you chose life, when the darkness closes in?
When fear and torture and mental tormentors, strangle your mind and shrivel your hope?
Is this the life you wished upon?
Can your heart take one more blow or will it shrivel or burn?

Why am I here?
Why is pain here?
Will I survive?
Will He set me free?
What do You want from me?
Why am I here?!!
Is this real or am I dreaming
A horrible nightmare that’s never ending?!!?
Tell me…what do You want from me?
Why am I here?
Why is this happening?
Why do You forsake me?
Have You forsaken me?
Where are You?
Have You turned Your back away from me?
What have I done?
What did I do?
Does Your grace not cover it all?
Will You not always be by my side?
Are You not for me?
Why aren’t You near?
Why are You so distant?
Why do You look away from me?
Why do these things and people torture me?
Life, on it’s own, is hard enough.
I’m shaking.
I’m crying.
I’ve gathered up strength to ask You.
Why do things keep happening?
When will it end?
Will it ever end?
Do You care about me?
Do You see me?
Do You hear me?
Why?
Why?
WHY??!!!??

Please HELP ME!!!
I cannot take it anymore!!
This life is suffocating!
I’m drowning!
I can’t breathe!
I can’t see the light!
I can’t see the end!
I just can’t do this anymore.
I just can’t.
I can’t.

Forgive me.
I’ve tried. I promise You! I’ve tried.
I really tried.
I tried and failed and tried and failed and tried and failed.
A cycle.
Forgive me.
I can’t.
I don’t know what You want from me?!
I don’t know what You want me to do?!?!
I can’t see it and I don’t understand it.
No resources and no help.
Alone and shipwrecked.
What did You want from me?
What do You want?

I relive moments in my head.
They flash up before me like a TV or a screen
Where the scene’s stuck on repeat
Forever reminding me to never forget
Forever reminding me that I’m stuck
Forever reminding me that I cannot escape
Forever reminding me of what went on
Never apologetic
Always repetitive
Like daggers through my being
My thoughts swivel around my head
Causing distress and anxiety.
Who can I tell?
What can I do?
Will it ever stop?
I’m tortured.
Every part. Tortured.
Me.
Tortured soul.
Panic, questions, moments, anxiety
They all ensue.
You should see me now and in the morning.
I. Am. Shaking.

I can’t do this.
Forgive me.
Don’t judge me please!
Forgive me.
Forgive me.
I love you.
Forgive me.
I tried.
I don’t know what else to do.
I’m drained.
I’m so weak.
Never have I felt SO defeated.

The devil is a liar.

I’m sorry.
Forgive me.
I failed you.
I love You.
I’m done.
I love You.
Forgive me.

By Adama Jatta
31st of August 2014 22:30pm to 1st of September 2014 2AMIMG_7193.JPG

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