I’m sitting here, all emotional and teary eyed, because the feedback and reaction I got from my last post(s) is beyond anything I ever expected.
It was such a huge thing for me to do…and such a gamble.
They were SO personal and out-there, that I came so close to not pressing that key. If anything I hope it helped someone, somewhere. I hope that you realise that that ‘Lonely Hour’ or deep state of depression you are going through, that I’ve been there and survived. If I can do it and come through it clean, so can you.
I’ve had my moments. They inspire great songs and poetry, in my eyes, as well as an insight into my broken state of mind and heart. I find I write best and more honest when I’m going through whatever, be it happy or sad.
If you liked it. Thank you. If you didn’t. That’s okay too. That’s what makes us, Us. We are all different and unique with different tastes and all that good stuff…but thank you for clicking and at least reading my posts.
For all you new and older subscribers…Let’s do this journey together. Stick With Me.
Our Best Is Yet To Come.
Hey dolls 🙂
Sorry for the lack of posts 😦 LFW has been uber exhausting and tiring that I’ve had absolutely NO time at all to blog anything 😦 However, I do hope to change that soon.
I cannot complain about being busy! I feel blessed and highly favoured!
Have a good day/night and blog with you another time!!!
I love you all! Xxx AJ 😘
This morning, I was shaking and trembling.
I think I’m okay at the moment. Listening to Jesus culture.
Break every chain on repeat.
It’s keeping me calm.
Although I keep catching myself overthinking and over analysing the situation.
I’ll be okay.
By Adama Jatta
Monday 1st of September 2014 11:46am
My pillow is WET.
My pillow is wet from all the pain I have wept.
Pain, my enemy, is my unwanted friend.
Sorrow is all my fragile heart and state knows.
I cry and weep and wail and regurgitate all the events of my day.
Never involved but always the outcast.
My sound or my scent?
Or is it something more? (Dire?)
My heart is heavy
My heart is burdened
I have no reason
To be feeling so sunken
My breathing’s fast
Paced with anxiety
My chest is caving
I believe I can see heaven
My palms are sweaty
My temperature’s high
My head is spinning
With thoughts of why
My hearing blurred and my stomach is queezey
Heaven please take me and save me from this
I did what I thought I should have done
I said what I felt I should have said
I’m thinking that I should have kept my mouth shut
It’ll spread like wild fire
But am I too strong to care?
Will I break out and break free
Of this fear that follows me
The whispers and murmurs
And all that is there
Might torment me
But I hope He sees me
Shelters me from the stares and glares
From the he said, she said and all that will follow
Shattered confidence and broken walls
With lack of love to glue it all
If my tears run deep
And my soul is weak
Will you pick me up and rock me to Sleep?
I’ve purged my soul out with tears
Until no water falls my dear
I’ve gazed through mirrors unaware
That the girl who breaks before me is unidentified
Who are you girl, when panic attacks?
Who are you, when isolation appears?
Could you recall all that’s great about you?
Or are you still a puzzle piece waiting to be placed?
Is this life yours or that of pain?
Can you hold on when life clings cheap?
Can you reach out for one breath to bring?
Will you chose life, when the darkness closes in?
When fear and torture and mental tormentors, strangle your mind and shrivel your hope?
Is this the life you wished upon?
Can your heart take one more blow or will it shrivel or burn?
Why am I here?
Why is pain here?
Will I survive?
Will He set me free?
What do You want from me?
Why am I here?!!
Is this real or am I dreaming
A horrible nightmare that’s never ending?!!?
Tell me…what do You want from me?
Why am I here?
Why is this happening?
Why do You forsake me?
Have You forsaken me?
Where are You?
Have You turned Your back away from me?
What have I done?
What did I do?
Does Your grace not cover it all?
Will You not always be by my side?
Are You not for me?
Why aren’t You near?
Why are You so distant?
Why do You look away from me?
Why do these things and people torture me?
Life, on it’s own, is hard enough.
I’ve gathered up strength to ask You.
Why do things keep happening?
When will it end?
Will it ever end?
Do You care about me?
Do You see me?
Do You hear me?
Please HELP ME!!!
I cannot take it anymore!!
This life is suffocating!
I can’t breathe!
I can’t see the light!
I can’t see the end!
I just can’t do this anymore.
I just can’t.
I’ve tried. I promise You! I’ve tried.
I really tried.
I tried and failed and tried and failed and tried and failed.
I don’t know what You want from me?!
I don’t know what You want me to do?!?!
I can’t see it and I don’t understand it.
No resources and no help.
Alone and shipwrecked.
What did You want from me?
What do You want?
I relive moments in my head.
They flash up before me like a TV or a screen
Where the scene’s stuck on repeat
Forever reminding me to never forget
Forever reminding me that I’m stuck
Forever reminding me that I cannot escape
Forever reminding me of what went on
Like daggers through my being
My thoughts swivel around my head
Causing distress and anxiety.
Who can I tell?
What can I do?
Will it ever stop?
Every part. Tortured.
Panic, questions, moments, anxiety
They all ensue.
You should see me now and in the morning.
I. Am. Shaking.
I can’t do this.
Don’t judge me please!
I love you.
I don’t know what else to do.
I’m so weak.
Never have I felt SO defeated.
The devil is a liar.
I failed you.
I love You.
I love You.
By Adama Jatta
31st of August 2014 22:30pm to 1st of September 2014 2AM
I know I should have fought it.
These waterfalls that beat
My cheeks as I purge this sadness.
In the midst of all this madness,
I’ll be the one who laughs last
Just stay with me a minute
Until my tears have dried
And all, my pieces are gathered again
Destroyed all my love in the pain
But hope always pierces through the rain
His light always shows me the way
And love will always conquer my fear
Oh! Oh it’s you that I look up to!
In the rain, you will shelter me
Through my storms, You have called me by name
I will praise you when the darkness is near
Even when jubilation is here
Ever sheer when it comes to your grace
Abundant and forever it stays, over me
Unreserved, yes your grace is enough
By Adama Jatta
Sunday 31st of August 2014 16:10PM
So it’s NO secret at all that i’m totally OBSESSED and IN LOVE with ANYTHING, SAM SMITH!! It’s a miracle that I get to go watch him play live at the Camden Roundhouse for the iTunes Music Festival on the 9th of September 2014, with supporting act SOHN. ALL his shows ANYWHERE and EVERYWHERE is SOLD OUT (Well done to him though!! I’m actually SO proud!).
I also get to go watch Calvin Harris and Kiesza and Placebo! Lucky girl huh?!?!? 🙂
So happy with everything and all the places and things and people i get to see! I will TRY and Vlog for my youtube channel, gig! i will TRY!! hahaha
I’m also obsessed with the beautifully talented John Legend and Jhene Aiko! I love Jhene’s The ‘Worst’ as well as others and obviously John’s ‘All Of Me’ and ‘You & I’.
Chris Brown. That’s all I’ll say! This guy has an undeniable talent and he’s using it well! Obsessed! Obsessed! OBSESSED!
I LOVE SAM SMITH!!!!!!!!! And he’s my highlight star of the YEAR!!! Cannot wait to see and hopefully meet him!! 🙂